I cried on the hour ride home yesterday. I hate feeling hopeless. I hate knowing that I am a problem, that I am mean, that I am hurting people. But, like I said, "I'm not your friend at the meeting. I am your team mate, your partner. Ultimately, I don't give a fuck if they don't know/remember where they are supposed to be on stage. I care about you, and I care about ME, the combined effort of being partnered up. If they look stupid, whatever, but we will always be on pointe."
Mom has decided, until she talks to the lawyer, she isn't going to pay the house payment. My dad's unemployment runs out in 6 months, and if he can't get disability, we'd lose the house anyway. However, dad's case was transferred from Cleveland to Akron. There are less cases in Akron, so my dad actually has a chance of getting disability. But until we know for sure that he's going to get his disability, there's no point in trying to keep the house. I don't know what to do at this point...The banks don't want to foreclose on any more houses because they have so many, but I don't think they will work with my family on keeping the payments low. I mean, come on, you're getting money...on TIME. When the payment is high, payments get missed and they don't get their money. If I were the banks, I would lower the payments and lengthen the loan periods. I'd rather pay for something forever that I could afford then struggle to pay something I can't just because the "end date" is sooner rather than later.
I am so proud because I will have another credit card paid off soon. $120 left on it, and then it's gone. One small sun spot in the shadow of my debt. The large credit card is under $10,000 now! I do feel good about that. Every digit I can knock down is a relief. I should hope that my credit is getting really good now. I have been paying alot and on time for over a year now. Hopefully by next summer I can move out with a room mate.
I have a few options if we lose the house. Bill hasn't been able to sell his house, but he did not include it in his bankruptcy. So my parents are going to move in there. I don't think Bill would have a problem with me living there.
Adara has already offered me the Barney room, but I don't want to ruin their engaged/married life. I don't want to be a burden. At least I already have my own keys. I don't think I would like being that far away, and in Brunswick...it will just remind me of past times.
My dream this morning: I was running nude through fields, back yards, woods, a funeral service, a cornfield (the leaves slicing up my exposed skin), and more woods. A slow, steady, determined killer followed. I knew, by his cream turtleneck sweater and his moppy brown hair cut, that I had no chance of survival. All I could do was run.
Bunyip has to go back to the vet. About six months ago, the gliders kept crabbing and I could hear them chasing each other about the cage. Since Rexie is so aggressive, I figured that it was her antagonizing Bunyip. I come to find out after finally catching them in the act, that it was Bunyip chasing and trying to attack Rexie. She had a swollen cheek one day, probably from him biting her (it reduced and disappeared in a few days). I found that they were fighting over food, so now I give them much more than they can ever eat, so there is no reason to fight...Then two days ago I saw Bunyip had a swollen cheek. And his black eye looked a bit red on the one side. The next day his face had not improved and his eye was covered in a white film. I don't know how eyes heal, but I know they do not scab over. I have to wait until I get paid Friday before I can take him to the vet...I hope he improves before then. =( Poor thing. I guess Rexie got him good. Maybe he won't pick on her now.