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Lonliness is a strange beast. [24 Apr 2019|03:19pm]

I long for human connection, but I connect with so little. I like to be alone, but yet I can't seem to function if my plans get canceled. I suppose I prefer the company of Diana, my cat. She's 19 years old. It's not going to last forever, and I'm afraid it's impossible to accept any substitutions.

I know that as people age, their priorities change. Interests and social activities fade. I've learned that, unless it's a superficial experience, it generally doesn't happen. I can't blame anyone for not wanting to hang out with me at my house because I am essentially house bound. I doubt I would want to do that, either.

I'm socially awkward and down about my situation. I'm frankly tired of hearing honest responses come out of my mouth when someone asks how I am. Solitude is easy in the morning, comforting in the afternoon, but by the evening excruciating and unbareable. It's going to be like this, it just is.

I used to have internet friends that I did not know in person, and those were some of the most fulfilling friendships. Funny, now that the internet is exceptional at keeping people connected, I feel that all of my connections are weak at best.

Not to say that I don't appreciate it if there is someone out there reading this that is my friend. However, my insecurity of worrying that I am a lacking friend is pulling all of this out of me.

Off to work and theoretically say nothing for two hours.

Ready to swing?

Wow... [29 Nov 2010|03:02pm]

So, things that have been going on.

I started to take my own self-portraits because I am getting bored with trying to set things up with flighty photographers.
I have done a few shoots in the month of November and I am getting ready for OSR 2011, these are good things.

I got my flickr up and running and I am now in the process of revamping my deviantart, which I haven't touched since 2007, pretty literally.  I am just going through all the posts that I have missed in the last 3 years...over 500!  So nothing actually new for me on there yet.

Tonight I plan on thrifting and then teaching more dance at the lnfusion meeting.  Haha, here we go.

I was planning on showering today, but I think I'll skip the formalities.

Ready to swing?

Since then... [30 Oct 2010|01:46pm]

I found Bunyip dead in the bottom of the cage when I got home from work yesterday.
Rexie has eaten half of his face.  I hope he died before that happened and not because she did that.

I am so fucking depressed and suicidal.

We had an Infusion show that we showed up to...for no reason, no one came out, so we got some money and went to The Spitfire.

I haven't slept and I haven't eaten.
I don't really care.

3 pretty bruises| Ready to swing?

I need to get it together. [26 Oct 2010|06:06pm]

I cried on the hour ride home yesterday. I hate feeling hopeless. I hate knowing that I am a problem, that I am mean, that I am hurting people. But, like I said, "I'm not your friend at the meeting. I am your team mate, your partner. Ultimately, I don't give a fuck if they don't know/remember where they are supposed to be on stage. I care about you, and I care about ME, the combined effort of being partnered up. If they look stupid, whatever, but we will always be on pointe."

Mom has decided, until she talks to the lawyer, she isn't going to pay the house payment. My dad's unemployment runs out in 6 months, and if he can't get disability, we'd lose the house anyway. However, dad's case was transferred from Cleveland to Akron. There are less cases in Akron, so my dad actually has a chance of getting disability. But until we know for sure that he's going to get his disability, there's no point in trying to keep the house. I don't know what to do at this point...The banks don't want to foreclose on any more houses because they have so many, but I don't think they will work with my family on keeping the payments low. I mean, come on, you're getting money...on TIME. When the payment is high, payments get missed and they don't get their money. If I were the banks, I would lower the payments and lengthen the loan periods. I'd rather pay for something forever that I could afford then struggle to pay something I can't just because the "end date" is sooner rather than later.

I am so proud because I will have another credit card paid off soon. $120 left on it, and then it's gone. One small sun spot in the shadow of my debt. The large credit card is under $10,000 now! I do feel good about that. Every digit I can knock down is a relief. I should hope that my credit is getting really good now. I have been paying alot and on time for over a year now. Hopefully by next summer I can move out with a room mate.

I have a few options if we lose the house. Bill hasn't been able to sell his house, but he did not include it in his bankruptcy. So my parents are going to move in there. I don't think Bill would have a problem with me living there.
Adara has already offered me the Barney room, but I don't want to ruin their engaged/married life. I don't want to be a burden. At least I already have my own keys. I don't think I would like being that far away, and in Brunswick...it will just remind me of past times.

My dream this morning: I was running nude through fields, back yards, woods, a funeral service, a cornfield (the leaves slicing up my exposed skin), and more woods. A slow, steady, determined killer followed. I knew, by his cream turtleneck sweater and his moppy brown hair cut, that I had no chance of survival. All I could do was run.

Bunyip has to go back to the vet. About six months ago, the gliders kept crabbing and I could hear them chasing each other about the cage. Since Rexie is so aggressive, I figured that it was her antagonizing Bunyip. I come to find out after finally catching them in the act, that it was Bunyip chasing and trying to attack Rexie. She had a swollen cheek one day, probably from him biting her (it reduced and disappeared in a few days). I found that they were fighting over food, so now I give them much more than they can ever eat, so there is no reason to fight...Then two days ago I saw Bunyip had a swollen cheek. And his black eye looked a bit red on the one side. The next day his face had not improved and his eye was covered in a white film. I don't know how eyes heal, but I know they do not scab over. I have to wait until I get paid Friday before I can take him to the vet...I hope he improves before then. =( Poor thing. I guess Rexie got him good. Maybe he won't pick on her now.

Ready to swing?

The weekend in Pittsburgh was all at once pleasant and extremely stressful. [25 Oct 2010|04:20pm]

Friday night we went to a Halloween party, and I wore the Morticia Addams costume I made. It still needs some tweaking, but for the most part, I am really, really happy with it. =) Liz and Ron have a gorgeous house and I really love old moldings and styling...so pretty. The party was so crowded and I didn't know anyone but the few people I came with, so I followed them around most of the night. I people watched and generally felt out of place. I didn't drink, because I don't like being drunk around people I don't know. I was so cold and tired by the end of the night. I had to shower when we got back to Candice & Jon's because I had used that black hair spray.

Saturday we arose and went to the first appointment at Exquisite Bride. They had Adara down for having 13 brides maids instead of 4 and they didn't even have the dresses that they were asked to pull. The only reason we went there was because they were the only shop that had those dresses. Idiots. We ended up buying our dresses from Alfred Angelo. A floor length charmeuse halter dress with an empire waist in merlot. Not bad, but anything is better than champagne chiffon, which was what Adara originally wanted. The customer service was just awful at both shops, though. We had a big Italian dinner that night...and I was super stuffed. I was awfully home sick, though and just wanted my own bed.

I woke up on Sunday to Ray throwing up. Nice. Then I had to ride back the two hours with a wedding dress literally hanging 3 inches from my face and across my lap. I am so over weddings. It was nice to come home and just lay around in bed.

If I am so concerned with quality over quantity, but why am I not doing anything?! I am itching to model, but no one new has surfaced in my area to work with. (But I never have time to shoot my own work...maybe I am scared to get started?) I have reoccurring photographers I work with, example: I need to work with Rob soon. I do have a shoot on November 6th with Angela, Tim, and Kevin. That should be exciting. I have never met Angela and Tim, but Kevin and I always make magic. I just hope it's not too cold, because we will be in an abandoned factory all day. I tend to suffer in my face when I am too cold or too hot, which usually doesn't make for a good faces. Although, I would never do glamour with Kevin, I don't want to have a face involuntarily when I am being photographed.

Infusion is stressing me out. The level of commitment is severely lacking from certain individuals. I am going to go off if people are not on the ball tonight. I need structure, organization, and professionalism. Otherwise, I am gone. If the group does not become vastly self-sustaining by the summer or 2011, I have to quit. I cannot invest time and money into something that cannot sustain itself. I am getting too old for this shit.

My loan consolidation is going to take another 2 months to be finalized. I am so upset about that. For now, I have very little money to live off of when I pay my bills. Depending on the hours I work I have between $21 (worst case) and $115 (best case scenario) to get gas for the two weeks in-between paychecks. No food allowance. Good thing I am good on toiletries and cleaning supplies for now. It just really sucks that this is happening right before Christmas. It's hard when I don't have the cash to buy people Christmas gifts. I don't even buy for that many people. I usually just buy for my parents, my brother, my 2 best friends, and my significant other. Not that many gifts...but this year is going to be super slim. I will probably just use my Kohl's charge to get them all gifts. I don't want to use credit and my options are limited, but at least the people close to me will have something to open on Christmas. These traditions are important to me. Once I get my loans consolidated I will have $135 more a month to work with. That will be such a relief!

2 pretty bruises| Ready to swing?

Halloween costume 2010 [22 Oct 2010|12:06pm]
[ mood | groggy ]

I was up until 1am making a shrug and a mermaid skirt with a train out of a spider web cape and some black fabric. I am going to be Morticia Addams for Halloween. I had this dress laying around that I got from my aunt. It has a super V-plunge neckline and an even deeper V in the back with these dainty little spaghetti straps. Well, I thought it would be perfect for a Morticia dress if I could make an underskirt and a shrug for it. The cape had just enough fabric for what I wanted to do...The shrug and the skirt can stand on their own as wardrobe pieces too!

It felt so good to be creative and sew, except I am so tired today...I couldn't fall asleep until after 3am. Hopefully I will sleep good tonight.

Adara is picking me up after work and we are driving the 2 hours to Pittsburgh, PA. We are staying with one of her bride's maids and we are going to a Halloween party tonight. I am so excited about that! Saturday we are bride's maid dress shopping and Sunday we are coming back to Ohio. It'll be a long Saturday, that's for sure...I am not cut out for group girly activities.

I FINALLY found my puzzle ring I was FREAKING out about losing...it took me 10 minutes to remember how to put it together. I was emotionally conflicted about wearing it, but I am happy that I am, regardless of the current situtation.

2 pretty bruises| Ready to swing?

All this wedding crap has me thinking... [19 Oct 2010|06:09pm]


It's funny how the cheapest one is my favorite...I love filigree settings.
I would rather have a princess cut stone, however.
And the only stone I want on my ring would be the center stone, totally a solitaire girl.

3 pretty bruises| Ready to swing?

I haven't been doing well. [15 Oct 2010|04:30pm]

I wish I could blame it on hormones, but I am a mess. There's so much (and so very little) going on and I just can't seem to handle any of it. I had a break down yesterday.
I have been so quick to fly off the handle and start screaming. I have been good about not name-calling, but I am very short tempered and not even remotely in the mood to listen to someones faults with me.
I cannot handle being alone anymore. I know I am not "alone," but physically being in an empty house drives me absolutely crazy. I sit on the computer and immerse myself in a numbness that won't allow me to go to sleep until 4 or 5 in the morning. Then it's up to work the next day, making the cash to survive another winter.

But, there's not much I can do about it right now. So I will move on to other topics. 

The next C{Space group shoot is on my birthday, so I will not be attending that one. I don't know, other than OSR, I am not in the mood to pose for group shoots. I want projects that take time and effort, not 1-hour rush jobs. It's just not my style.

It's the challenge between quantity vs quality. I really wish that a paid Model Mayhem account wasn't so expensive. I prefer alot of my older work to the newer stuff, so I don't change my photographs often. I need to squish that. Haha, this goes back to the fact that I need a website, again.
Whatever happened to the modeling goals I had typed up last year? I am pretty sure I haven't had as many shoots as I would have liked to have this year. But, I am already planning shoots for next year.

Speaking of that, I found out something interesting today. Another model that I enjoyed and looked up to is now trying her hand at being a(n internet) dom, and has a clips4sale. This amuses me so much, but annoys me as well. From what I know about her, she doesn't want to work for the things she wants. She expects the subs of the world to bow down to her and give her money/buy her presents. She can't spell, and refuses to use spell check, so I don't know what sub would want to ber verbally abused by her on the internet. But, to each their own.

I am so bored with everything lately. So incredibly bored.

I need to work on Amber's letter. =)

4 pretty bruises| Ready to swing?

[06 Oct 2010|02:17am]

Hahaha.  Retards.
Ready to swing?

Boys, you won't want to read this. [05 Oct 2010|01:27pm]
I am the proud owner of a Moon Cup!!

I am loving it. The fact that I don't have to buy pads any more, the fact that they are supposedly leak free and supposedly can be worn up to 8 hours until you need to dump them out is amazing.
However, I bleed so damn much that there's definitely leakage. I am still wearing a pad, but the leakage may slow down/stop as my flow lessens. The first three days of my period are actually flood warnings on the weather channel.

I don't like putting things up there. It hurts. This is why sex and I does not happen. No p in my v, thank you. So, insertion and removal of the moon cup involves some discomfort. Folding it to insert it is hard, it wants to unfurl before I have the sucker in there, but it hurts WAY MORE to pull it out. I have only inserted the Moon Cup 3 times and removed it twice, so I am working on trying new techniques.

Yesterday I was discomfort free, but today I am being mercilessly stabbed in the labia. My Moon Cup goes pretty far up & in, the stem is just barely poking out/setting in. I figure that if I trim the stem, it won't be shifting in and out (causing the discomfort). There is an amazing community menstrual_cups and their answers seem to always be the same...cut the entire stem off. I don't want to cut my entire stem off. I have a hard time reaching the base of the cup, because it's goes in so far. I certainly don't want to not be able to remove the cup.

Ladies, seriously invest in one of these. (Although, I recommend getting the MoonCupUK if you live outside of the United States, that was the one I REALLY wanted to buy. It's softer and more comfortable according to the reviews, but check them out yourself on menstrual_cups) I am the most vaginally finicky person in the world and this is the best $30 I have ever spent. Menstrual cups are not associated with toxic shock like tampons are, since they aren't absorbing, just collecting. The amount of money I spend on pads is ridiculous. Not to mention, the time I spend washing stains out of my poor sheets can be spent elsewhere, relaxing.
2 pretty bruises| Ready to swing?

[04 Oct 2010|06:00pm]
Goddammit, my nose has been bleeding every day since it got broken, how fucking annoying.
(I got KO'd by the top hatch drawer of a dresser a few weeks ago.)

My 99 cent Thai Kitchen ramen was delicious. Other than the sodium, it was pretty good for me. 170 calories, only 20 from fat. This being poor thing is annoying, but at least I am eating rather well.
But, since I went grocery shopping, I am way over my budget and I have $15 to live off of for 2 weeks. My car is on empty and needs gas. I'll blow through $15 in gas in 3 days (just driving to work). That being said, I need to sell some stuff.

I have a black vinyl steel boned underbust Voltaire corset from Drac in a Box, that has never fit me (too big!). I think I donned it maybe 3 times, over several layers of clothing (because it's too big...). It was probably worn for 5 hours maximum (this is all three times it was worn combined!) and it is in great condition. Judging by my waist, the corset is probably a 26" or a 28" closed. I need to get a laced-closed measurement to know what size waist it will fit for sure. It's beautiful and someone should wear this piece!
I need to MAKE TIME to take pictures of the damn thing (laced closed on a pillow) and get the a post up on the corsetry communities on lj. I don't have many readers anymore, but if you know someone who wants to buy this corset, send them my way!I

I don't want to deal with ebay selling fees, I just want to do a direct sale. I bought this
for $197.91 (converted from pounds to dollars), and I am asking for $125 plus shipping. It's possible I will also take "best offer" plus shipping if it doesn't sell out right, so private message me. =)

Maybe I will make a new journal just to sell things direct sale, like some of my more famous lj friends. I really hate ebay. 

4 pretty bruises| Ready to swing?

Fuck! FUCK!! [28 Sep 2010|04:04pm]

The fashion show feel through. They hired "real" models to do the runway. Um. They could have had me for free, and I bet I have more personality then the girls they hired. Ariel told me one of them was short and fat. I seriously fucking HATE this shit. I HATE this. I WORK SO HARD AT WHAT I DO. And it all gets continually snatched away from me, or given to flakes because they are taller than me. Seriously in tears right now. So frustrated and mad.

That's probably it for me, I give the fuck up. It's all going to shit.

The alternative model I respected the MOST for not doing nudes, doing her own styling, and actually doing GOOD work told me she "retired" because she didn't like the direction alternative modeling was heading. Do you know what she's doing now? Lame Suicide Girls-esque fucking pornolame photo sets. WOW. WAY TO GO. It's not even GOOD photography. It's not even artsy composition.

It's fucking masturbation encouragement. It's not even worth selling out for that. Pay sites are pretty worthless. And you know what else? Easily distributed onto non-paid sites. So, there you go, your pathetic, reduced-to-this smut modeling will be all over the place in 3 weeks. I don't want to see the shame that certain people have become.

I love artistic nudes. I love fetish fashion. I love the female form. Look at my tumblr, obviously I am no prude.

But this shit just makes me LIVID.

10 pretty bruises| Ready to swing?

[22 Sep 2010|05:24pm]

I have the worst allergies ever right now, or I have a cold.

I took a decongestant, but it doesn't seem to be helping much. =(

I really feel like I am going insane, for the most part. I have so much to do, and now that I am so social, I have no time to do these things.

I really need to clean out my car. It's a really warm day today, so I think I will do that. I am so scatter brained when I get home from work, though...

w33py r4nt1ngCollapse )
6 pretty bruises| Ready to swing?

[21 Sep 2010|12:04pm]
Is this what 'suicidal' feels like?
2 pretty bruises| Ready to swing?

[20 Sep 2010|04:40pm]
[ mood | hopeful ]

Hahaha, I am always such a tease with the "photo dump." Don't worry, it will happen. ;) It just takes time to upload them.

Speaking of, I used to use photobucket...but that was years ago. What are you guys using to host now-a-days?

Infusion met with a very important person Saturday night, and I think we're going places we've never been.
It's exciting and scary. I am skeptical and paranoid.
"...We are Sex Bob-Omb. We're here to sell out and make money and stuff."

I'm annoyed that I haven't posed for a photoshoot in months. Ugg. I do have something scheduled for the evening of the 30th, which is coming up. Though, I felt better taking snap shots at Brian's birthday parties this weekend. I am by no means a photographer, but I certainly have enough ideas to shoot that honestly don't have readily usable photographers to shoot the exact concept I want. (ie-it's not their bag, baby.) So I will attempt to do these myself, since it will be too cold to shoot on location pretty soon.
The only person I have shot with lately has been Red Generation, who is amazing. However, he has his niche and I have other things I want to work on. ;) So I will get working on those, myself. May as well try my hand with the camera.

4 pretty bruises| Ready to swing?

[17 Sep 2010|04:34pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]

Seriously, going to throw my phone out the window.  I am tired of letting it control how I feel.

"There's the girl that left me bitter.  Want to pay some other girl to walk right up to her and hit her."
No shit, dude.

Scott Pilgrim VS The World...I can't tell if I am Scott, Ramona, or the bastard combination of both characters.  Then again, I am all 7 Xs and Kinves too.  Then again, I've dated everyone in that movie as well...
The movie hit way too close to home.  It was altogether wonderful and gut-wrenching heartache.  But, I suppose, that's me, right?

I have the urge to go shopping to kill more of my pain, which is probably what I will do after work.

This little photo-journalist (as in, journal of my life/photos of my life) is going to be very busy this weekend.
Biggest photo dump is coming.  It's going to be scary for me to tackle...

7 pretty bruises| Ready to swing?

[15 Sep 2010|03:46pm]

Miss Marina has me wanting to get some super sweet contacts from mycandyeyes.com.
I think this is what I am going to treat myself when I get my paycheck Friday.

And maybe that cute birdcage necklace holder as well.

I have almost reached the halfway mark...

Ready to swing?

It could either be a very, very bad day. [10 Sep 2010|04:49pm]
[ mood | energetic ]

Or it could be very, very good.

Nevertheless, I am listening to the 181 NIN tracks I have, which will take me all day, and then some.

In regards to things.Collapse )

4 pretty bruises| Ready to swing?

[09 Sep 2010|10:07pm]
I had over 200 e-mails.  *head spinning* But I got through them all!

Now I get to check my other e-mail...then tackle Model Mayhem.

Holy smokes.  Then maybe some facebook/tumblr.
4 pretty bruises| Ready to swing?

[09 Sep 2010|04:29pm]
[ mood | disappointed ]

I hate how lonely I feel my life is.  (That is not to say it is lonely, I hate that I always FEEL lonely.)

Or, I hate how I can only connect with a very small amount of people, but I chose to be alone.


Goals for tonight are finally getting through all of my e-mail, catching up on Model Mayhem, sitting on tumblr, and reading Mega Tokyo.
Yes, I shall conquer.

2 pretty bruises| Ready to swing?

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