nat in a box

Lonliness is a strange beast.

I long for human connection, but I connect with so little. I like to be alone, but yet I can't seem to function if my plans get canceled. I suppose I prefer the company of Diana, my cat. She's 19 years old. It's not going to last forever, and I'm afraid it's impossible to accept any substitutions.

I know that as people age, their priorities change. Interests and social activities fade. I've learned that, unless it's a superficial experience, it generally doesn't happen. I can't blame anyone for not wanting to hang out with me at my house because I am essentially house bound. I doubt I would want to do that, either.

I'm socially awkward and down about my situation. I'm frankly tired of hearing honest responses come out of my mouth when someone asks how I am. Solitude is easy in the morning, comforting in the afternoon, but by the evening excruciating and unbareable. It's going to be like this, it just is.

I used to have internet friends that I did not know in person, and those were some of the most fulfilling friendships. Funny, now that the internet is exceptional at keeping people connected, I feel that all of my connections are weak at best.

Not to say that I don't appreciate it if there is someone out there reading this that is my friend. However, my insecurity of worrying that I am a lacking friend is pulling all of this out of me.

Off to work and theoretically say nothing for two hours.

nat in a box


So, things that have been going on.

I started to take my own self-portraits because I am getting bored with trying to set things up with flighty photographers.
I have done a few shoots in the month of November and I am getting ready for OSR 2011, these are good things.

I got my flickr up and running and I am now in the process of revamping my deviantart, which I haven't touched since 2007, pretty literally.  I am just going through all the posts that I have missed in the last 3 years...over 500!  So nothing actually new for me on there yet.

Tonight I plan on thrifting and then teaching more dance at the lnfusion meeting.  Haha, here we go.

I was planning on showering today, but I think I'll skip the formalities.

nat in a box

Since then...

I found Bunyip dead in the bottom of the cage when I got home from work yesterday.
Rexie has eaten half of his face.  I hope he died before that happened and not because she did that.

I am so fucking depressed and suicidal.

We had an Infusion show that we showed up to...for no reason, no one came out, so we got some money and went to The Spitfire.

I haven't slept and I haven't eaten.
I don't really care.

nat in a box

I need to get it together.

I cried on the hour ride home yesterday. I hate feeling hopeless. I hate knowing that I am a problem, that I am mean, that I am hurting people. But, like I said, "I'm not your friend at the meeting. I am your team mate, your partner. Ultimately, I don't give a fuck if they don't know/remember where they are supposed to be on stage. I care about you, and I care about ME, the combined effort of being partnered up. If they look stupid, whatever, but we will always be on pointe."

Mom has decided, until she talks to the lawyer, she isn't going to pay the house payment. My dad's unemployment runs out in 6 months, and if he can't get disability, we'd lose the house anyway. However, dad's case was transferred from Cleveland to Akron. There are less cases in Akron, so my dad actually has a chance of getting disability. But until we know for sure that he's going to get his disability, there's no point in trying to keep the house. I don't know what to do at this point...The banks don't want to foreclose on any more houses because they have so many, but I don't think they will work with my family on keeping the payments low. I mean, come on, you're getting money...on TIME. When the payment is high, payments get missed and they don't get their money. If I were the banks, I would lower the payments and lengthen the loan periods. I'd rather pay for something forever that I could afford then struggle to pay something I can't just because the "end date" is sooner rather than later.

I am so proud because I will have another credit card paid off soon. $120 left on it, and then it's gone. One small sun spot in the shadow of my debt. The large credit card is under $10,000 now! I do feel good about that. Every digit I can knock down is a relief. I should hope that my credit is getting really good now. I have been paying alot and on time for over a year now. Hopefully by next summer I can move out with a room mate.

I have a few options if we lose the house. Bill hasn't been able to sell his house, but he did not include it in his bankruptcy. So my parents are going to move in there. I don't think Bill would have a problem with me living there.
Adara has already offered me the Barney room, but I don't want to ruin their engaged/married life. I don't want to be a burden. At least I already have my own keys. I don't think I would like being that far away, and in will just remind me of past times.

My dream this morning: I was running nude through fields, back yards, woods, a funeral service, a cornfield (the leaves slicing up my exposed skin), and more woods. A slow, steady, determined killer followed. I knew, by his cream turtleneck sweater and his moppy brown hair cut, that I had no chance of survival. All I could do was run.

Bunyip has to go back to the vet. About six months ago, the gliders kept crabbing and I could hear them chasing each other about the cage. Since Rexie is so aggressive, I figured that it was her antagonizing Bunyip. I come to find out after finally catching them in the act, that it was Bunyip chasing and trying to attack Rexie. She had a swollen cheek one day, probably from him biting her (it reduced and disappeared in a few days). I found that they were fighting over food, so now I give them much more than they can ever eat, so there is no reason to fight...Then two days ago I saw Bunyip had a swollen cheek. And his black eye looked a bit red on the one side. The next day his face had not improved and his eye was covered in a white film. I don't know how eyes heal, but I know they do not scab over. I have to wait until I get paid Friday before I can take him to the vet...I hope he improves before then. =( Poor thing. I guess Rexie got him good. Maybe he won't pick on her now.

nat in a box

The weekend in Pittsburgh was all at once pleasant and extremely stressful.

Friday night we went to a Halloween party, and I wore the Morticia Addams costume I made. It still needs some tweaking, but for the most part, I am really, really happy with it. =) Liz and Ron have a gorgeous house and I really love old moldings and pretty. The party was so crowded and I didn't know anyone but the few people I came with, so I followed them around most of the night. I people watched and generally felt out of place. I didn't drink, because I don't like being drunk around people I don't know. I was so cold and tired by the end of the night. I had to shower when we got back to Candice & Jon's because I had used that black hair spray.

Saturday we arose and went to the first appointment at Exquisite Bride. They had Adara down for having 13 brides maids instead of 4 and they didn't even have the dresses that they were asked to pull. The only reason we went there was because they were the only shop that had those dresses. Idiots. We ended up buying our dresses from Alfred Angelo. A floor length charmeuse halter dress with an empire waist in merlot. Not bad, but anything is better than champagne chiffon, which was what Adara originally wanted. The customer service was just awful at both shops, though. We had a big Italian dinner that night...and I was super stuffed. I was awfully home sick, though and just wanted my own bed.

I woke up on Sunday to Ray throwing up. Nice. Then I had to ride back the two hours with a wedding dress literally hanging 3 inches from my face and across my lap. I am so over weddings. It was nice to come home and just lay around in bed.

If I am so concerned with quality over quantity, but why am I not doing anything?! I am itching to model, but no one new has surfaced in my area to work with. (But I never have time to shoot my own work...maybe I am scared to get started?) I have reoccurring photographers I work with, example: I need to work with Rob soon. I do have a shoot on November 6th with Angela, Tim, and Kevin. That should be exciting. I have never met Angela and Tim, but Kevin and I always make magic. I just hope it's not too cold, because we will be in an abandoned factory all day. I tend to suffer in my face when I am too cold or too hot, which usually doesn't make for a good faces. Although, I would never do glamour with Kevin, I don't want to have a face involuntarily when I am being photographed.

Infusion is stressing me out. The level of commitment is severely lacking from certain individuals. I am going to go off if people are not on the ball tonight. I need structure, organization, and professionalism. Otherwise, I am gone. If the group does not become vastly self-sustaining by the summer or 2011, I have to quit. I cannot invest time and money into something that cannot sustain itself. I am getting too old for this shit.

My loan consolidation is going to take another 2 months to be finalized. I am so upset about that. For now, I have very little money to live off of when I pay my bills. Depending on the hours I work I have between $21 (worst case) and $115 (best case scenario) to get gas for the two weeks in-between paychecks. No food allowance. Good thing I am good on toiletries and cleaning supplies for now. It just really sucks that this is happening right before Christmas. It's hard when I don't have the cash to buy people Christmas gifts. I don't even buy for that many people. I usually just buy for my parents, my brother, my 2 best friends, and my significant other. Not that many gifts...but this year is going to be super slim. I will probably just use my Kohl's charge to get them all gifts. I don't want to use credit and my options are limited, but at least the people close to me will have something to open on Christmas. These traditions are important to me. Once I get my loans consolidated I will have $135 more a month to work with. That will be such a relief!

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nat in a box

Halloween costume 2010

I was up until 1am making a shrug and a mermaid skirt with a train out of a spider web cape and some black fabric. I am going to be Morticia Addams for Halloween. I had this dress laying around that I got from my aunt. It has a super V-plunge neckline and an even deeper V in the back with these dainty little spaghetti straps. Well, I thought it would be perfect for a Morticia dress if I could make an underskirt and a shrug for it. The cape had just enough fabric for what I wanted to do...The shrug and the skirt can stand on their own as wardrobe pieces too!

It felt so good to be creative and sew, except I am so tired today...I couldn't fall asleep until after 3am. Hopefully I will sleep good tonight.

Adara is picking me up after work and we are driving the 2 hours to Pittsburgh, PA. We are staying with one of her bride's maids and we are going to a Halloween party tonight. I am so excited about that! Saturday we are bride's maid dress shopping and Sunday we are coming back to Ohio. It'll be a long Saturday, that's for sure...I am not cut out for group girly activities.

I FINALLY found my puzzle ring I was FREAKING out about took me 10 minutes to remember how to put it together. I was emotionally conflicted about wearing it, but I am happy that I am, regardless of the current situtation.

nat in a box

All this wedding crap has me thinking...

It's funny how the cheapest one is my favorite...I love filigree settings.
I would rather have a princess cut stone, however.
And the only stone I want on my ring would be the center stone, totally a solitaire girl.

nat in a box

I haven't been doing well.

I wish I could blame it on hormones, but I am a mess. There's so much (and so very little) going on and I just can't seem to handle any of it. I had a break down yesterday.
I have been so quick to fly off the handle and start screaming. I have been good about not name-calling, but I am very short tempered and not even remotely in the mood to listen to someones faults with me.
I cannot handle being alone anymore. I know I am not "alone," but physically being in an empty house drives me absolutely crazy. I sit on the computer and immerse myself in a numbness that won't allow me to go to sleep until 4 or 5 in the morning. Then it's up to work the next day, making the cash to survive another winter.

But, there's not much I can do about it right now. So I will move on to other topics. 

The next C{Space group shoot is on my birthday, so I will not be attending that one. I don't know, other than OSR, I am not in the mood to pose for group shoots. I want projects that take time and effort, not 1-hour rush jobs. It's just not my style.

It's the challenge between quantity vs quality. I really wish that a paid Model Mayhem account wasn't so expensive. I prefer alot of my older work to the newer stuff, so I don't change my photographs often. I need to squish that. Haha, this goes back to the fact that I need a website, again.
Whatever happened to the modeling goals I had typed up last year? I am pretty sure I haven't had as many shoots as I would have liked to have this year. But, I am already planning shoots for next year.

Speaking of that, I found out something interesting today. Another model that I enjoyed and looked up to is now trying her hand at being a(n internet) dom, and has a clips4sale. This amuses me so much, but annoys me as well. From what I know about her, she doesn't want to work for the things she wants. She expects the subs of the world to bow down to her and give her money/buy her presents. She can't spell, and refuses to use spell check, so I don't know what sub would want to ber verbally abused by her on the internet. But, to each their own.

I am so bored with everything lately. So incredibly bored.

I need to work on Amber's letter. =)

nat in a box

Boys, you won't want to read this.

I am the proud owner of a Moon Cup!!

I am loving it. The fact that I don't have to buy pads any more, the fact that they are supposedly leak free and supposedly can be worn up to 8 hours until you need to dump them out is amazing.
However, I bleed so damn much that there's definitely leakage. I am still wearing a pad, but the leakage may slow down/stop as my flow lessens. The first three days of my period are actually flood warnings on the weather channel.

I don't like putting things up there. It hurts. This is why sex and I does not happen. No p in my v, thank you. So, insertion and removal of the moon cup involves some discomfort. Folding it to insert it is hard, it wants to unfurl before I have the sucker in there, but it hurts WAY MORE to pull it out. I have only inserted the Moon Cup 3 times and removed it twice, so I am working on trying new techniques.

Yesterday I was discomfort free, but today I am being mercilessly stabbed in the labia. My Moon Cup goes pretty far up & in, the stem is just barely poking out/setting in. I figure that if I trim the stem, it won't be shifting in and out (causing the discomfort). There is an amazing community menstrual_cups and their answers seem to always be the same...cut the entire stem off. I don't want to cut my entire stem off. I have a hard time reaching the base of the cup, because it's goes in so far. I certainly don't want to not be able to remove the cup.

Ladies, seriously invest in one of these. (Although, I recommend getting the MoonCupUK if you live outside of the United States, that was the one I REALLY wanted to buy. It's softer and more comfortable according to the reviews, but check them out yourself on menstrual_cups) I am the most vaginally finicky person in the world and this is the best $30 I have ever spent. Menstrual cups are not associated with toxic shock like tampons are, since they aren't absorbing, just collecting. The amount of money I spend on pads is ridiculous. Not to mention, the time I spend washing stains out of my poor sheets can be spent elsewhere, relaxing.